Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
