I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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