Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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