Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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