Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
