If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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