Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
