Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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