Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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