I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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