his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My penis needs a shock collar
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
