I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
