So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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