In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they need to just BURY HIM!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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