This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
