Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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