i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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