The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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