nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
