I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
