Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
