Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
