I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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