It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
