hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
