Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Never underestimate the power of titties
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
