Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
