just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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