Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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