That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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