Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
