That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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