On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize