I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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