I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
