Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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