I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
tell me about the eggs
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