god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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