im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
