the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize