Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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