I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
