If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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