At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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