I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
