I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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