So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
