The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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