How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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