Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
