i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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