god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize