we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
