he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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