My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
