1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My room smells like vodka and shame
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you will always have a special place in my vag
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
