actually, I'm a sock model
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
