I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
