I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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