fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
