i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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