she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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