I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
