my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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