I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Randomize