I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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